Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
