please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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