i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
