I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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