I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
