You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
