ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
