Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
