i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
