My nipple is on Facebook.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
