dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
