I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
