Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
