I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
