I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????