I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."