please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
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peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
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From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?