I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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