Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
