dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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