I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
false alarm. still invincible.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
