my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
