i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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