If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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