so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
