Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
