She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
