So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
