So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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