Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
there is another microwave in the elevator.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
