You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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