hell yes lets make some ravioli
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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