he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
