Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
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I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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