I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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