I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
