Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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