FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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