I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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