omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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