I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
