so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
