I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
