Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
