If that was your dad, he is hot
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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