i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
