seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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