we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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