i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
