I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
