if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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