I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
wow bdsm is so cute
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
