The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
