my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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