I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
