I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
