Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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