dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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